Copycat Blogging

We have all had a friend who copies us, I am sure.  New dress?  They buy the same one.  New haircut? They go to the same hairdresser and get a very similar one.  You get pregnant, they get pregnant and have a child of exactly the same sex.  It is as if they have no imagination of their own.

There is a certain blogger in Charlottesville, Virginia who copies everything I do.  I have fantastic hair?  She thinks she has fantastic hair.  I go to the gym?  She goes to the gym.  I like the beach?  She likes the beach.  Everything I do, she just copies, copies, copies and it is starting to get on my nerves.  I am waiting for her to post about friend with an unrequited crush on her shooting her in the butt while she is doing yoga poses.  Any day now!

Recently I made a very brave and selfless decision to conciously uncouple with Röbert and maintain a loving friendship as we co-parent and decide about our future.  Well, guess who has decided she also suddenly needs to separate from her husband?  Little Miss Copycat!  It is disgusting and I am thinking about hiring a lawyer to tell her to sieze and desist!

Just gettin’ cozy and thinking about how much I hate jealous people who copy me.

Maybe she should try to work on her marriage instead of being so busy doing everything I do!

Our Greatest American

I don’t usually talk much about politics on my blog.  In fact, you could call this a “politics free zone”.  If you keep up with me on Twitter you probably know how I am planning to vote, but I don’t like to parade my superior understanding of what we need in the Oval Office in front of my  less well educated friends.  Like Mr. Trump, “I love the poorly educated!”  (February, 2016)

Right now I am furious though!  All of a sudden people are rising up against Mr. Trump, calling him a Nazi and, even worse, a bad America.  He is our greatest American!  He tells it like he sees it, and he sees it like the rest of us do!  At least like the rest of us smart people do!

For instance he said that “Looks obviously matter”in a clip they showed on that damned communist show, hosted by a foreigner, “Last Week Tonight”.  Of course looks matter.  Do you think Eleanor Roosevelt would make a splash today, what with all her do goodiness, save the world blah blah blah?  No!  She would be home saving her pennies for some Botox and cutting photos of the Kardashians out of her “In Touch” magazines.

He also pointed out some important ideas having to do with commerce back in November when Starbucks came up with their anti-Christmas paper cups.  “No more ‘Merry Christmas” at Starbucks,” he said, “Maybe we should boycott Starbucks.” Of course we should boycott Starbucks!  Their coffee is disgusting and I don’t care for the high-handed way they insist on us ordering made up sizes.  Venti, get benty.  I’d like a medium please!

When he pointed out that Carly Fiorino is not a pretty girl in Rolling Stone last September, who among us did not silently agree?  “Can you imagine that, the face of our next president?”  No sir, I can’t.

But here, here is a face I can totally imagine as our next president!

It seems like every single thing he says is just brilliant and makes me feel better about myself. Ugly women are worse people than me! If they cared they would be slim and stylish. Muslims and other foreigns should be kept out of our country, except if they want to do menial labor we are not interested in. We need a wall to keep Mexicans at home in Mexico. All brilliant and forward thinking ideas.

I think that when a man this attractive criticizes the appearances of women, it pays to stand up and pay attention.  And then maybe feel a lil’ worse about yourself.  Get it together ladies!

Finally, and the thing I can’t help nodding my head in agreement with over and over, is what Mr. Trump told the New York Times last August.  “Heidi Klum. Sadly, she is no longer a 10.”  She is barely a 6!  And she gets uglier every day that she doesn’t answer my letter and avoids my calls, emails and texts.  I am so glad to have a candidate who tells it like it is when it comes to the appearance of our celebrities!

Like the great power couples of the past, Ronnie and Nancy, Tricky Dick and Pat etc., Trump brings with him a very classy first lady, what’s her name!  Her name is definitely not Ivana although she is pretty much cut of the same cloth as that lovely lady.  Donald sure can pick ’em! Anyway, I have to wonder what she would focus her considerable brain power on if she were to become the next first lady.  Would she make it her mission to move all of the homeless people out to where the poors live, maybe West Virginia or Oklahoma or some such, so our gently brought up children don’t have to see them?  Homeless people would be so much more comfortable if they weren’t faced with wealthy people all the time! Perhaps she would focus on education, making sure the children of the poors don’t fill their heads with silly facts and ideas that will just confuse them later in life.  Vocational training starting in kindergarten for the under-performing schools! I can also see her championing universal injectibles!  That is a segment of health care that has been largely ignored by that man, Obama!

She has this same “deep thinker” look on her face in every picture.  She would make such a fine role model for all the girls.  Ooops!  Are those her nipples?  No matter! I am sure she would bring class and deep intellectual discourse to all of our state dinners.

So, if you think you don’t like Donald Trump, think again.  He represents all of our values of standing up for good looks, keeping women home, where they belong and keeping foreigners from stealing our high powered jobs (I am looking at you, Heidi!)

Not an actual photo.  I learned a lil’ photo editing to put this one together.

I can’t wait until we claim victory, as in the above photo, in November!  Make America classy again!

 

 

A Lil’ Political Rant

I don’t usually say much about politics and government, but there is a sitch going on in a Kentucky that I don’t think I can stand by and ignore anymore.  There is a gal down there who needs to do her job and mind her own beeswax, and by beeswax, well,  I think everyone knows what I am talking about!

Girl. Your hair.

I have a few suggestions for this poor unfortunate person.

1. Do your damned job.
2. 

   A bob might be cute!

   3.

   

   The sideswept bang will draw attention away from your mean mouth.

   4.

   

   A lil’ color will brighten your mood, maybe.

   5.

   

   Who doesn’t look better with tousled, beachy waves?

   6. Do your damned job.

Stupid Doctor!

I have been feeling kind of down in the dumps for at least three days now.  That is not normal, is it?  The crazy thing is that I have every reason for just loving life; a gorgeous home, an amazing husband, three adorable lil’ angles, a prize winning dog, and many, many friends who adore me.  I am not a doctor, but I think this must be depression.  And if I know anything about depression (And I do!  I once saw something about it on Dr. Oz while I was flipping over to PBS), I know they can just give you some pills and, wallah!  Cured.  I once knew someone named Michelle who had the depression pills and lost weight, so better yet.

You can’t tell because I just smile, smile, smile through my tears.

So I called my doctor’s office this morning and unfortunately got that awful Dr. Winger instead of nice Dr. Lassiter.  Dr. Winger is a lady doctor, which I hate.  Why are ladies even doctors, when they could be nurses and wear cute lil’ uniforms?  Also, she is always acting like she knows more about everything than I know.  So when I told her about my depression and asked, very politely, for couple of different kinds of pills, she had the nerve to give me the name of a psychologist. Only it was not even a real psychologist with a proper Dr. in front of her name, but a Mrs. in front of her name kind of healthcare worker.  I am not actually crazy, I just need some pills.  I said that I might even be bipolar because I am sometimes happy too, but Dr. Winger, as usual, was very dismissive of my situation.

How would she like it if she was depressed and I just tried to send her to an unlicensed crazy doctor?  So frustrating!

10 Things to Know About Approaching a Famous Blogger

I have a very busy week ahead, getting ready for our big gala on Friday night, and  a special photo shoot for a special day mid-week (shhhhh, more about that later).

Now that my blog is becoming supper-popular, I find that I am getting approached by more people on the street who just want to let me know how much they adore me.  While I appreciate it, I want to give a few tips about how to approach a famous blogger so you don’t offend their sensibilities, since we bloggers tend to feel things just a little bit more than your average Joe.

1. If I am doing something important, like barre, do not bother me.  I am busy and deserve my me-time, probably more than everyone else.  If I am just dealing with the kids, fine, hop on over and tell me what you find most inspiring about me and my life.

I am busy here and should not be disturbed!

2. If you don’t have anything nice to say, keep it to yourself.  Bloggers have feelings too and we shouldn’t be criticized just because we have decided to post every single breath we take online.  You don’t actually know us.  That goes double for those meanies on “that” hate site.  You know who you are.

I am a living, breathing human being with feelings y’all!

3. Just because I don’t look like my photos online doesn’t mean I photoshop them.  I don’t even own photoshop.

I am naturally photogenic.

4.  My kids are out of bounds.  Period.  Just because I occasionally might post a photo of one of them to boost page views does not mean you can criticize them.

My angles deserve total privacy except when I as a parent, choose to expose them.

5. I will be happy to answer most questions, but do not try to make yourself feel bigger by inferring things you know nothing about.  Röbert and I are extremely happily married and have never had any trouble in our marriage.

You can feel the chemistry here, right?

7. Hummus is absolutely fine and does not have a single delay.  Unless you are a doctor I have employed for that purpose, I have no interest in your amateur diagnosis.

Delayed? He is a tennis prodigy! How is your 22 month old doing in USTA?

8. If you want to tell me something sad or humiliating you have heard about Karen, I am all ears, but I do not want to hear about how you feel bad for her.

Double points if you manage to mention how dull Renata seems too.

9. Hands off!  Do not touch me or my children.  And especially leave the dog alone.  I have him trained of course, but he has a history of viciousness.

He still has an evil glint in his eye sometimes.

10. Please do tell me how pretty I am, how well behaved Starling is, how enviable my lifestyle is.   When in doubt, or when nervous to be meeting someone famous like me, those are great conversation starters.

You can even tell me how adorable we look together!

I think that covers it for now. I look forward to meeting all of you!

 

Furious!

I can barely even speak now, I am so furious.

Yesterday I told the people at the gym about that nasty woman in the child care who keeps making my lil’ Hummus cry for some reason.  Gemma, the new girl, promised me that they would move her to another department but when I went in to drop him off there today, who was signing him in?  Renata!  I marched right down to the membership office and gave them a piece of my mind, but they didn’t have any record of my conversation with the new girl yesterday, and they claimed that Renata was the most popular employee at the club because all of the children adore her.  Well, my bebe cries every single time I come to pick him up, and someone needs to answer for that.

An hour later I was walking by the spin room on the way to my sauna with Krystyn and who should I see but sweet lil’ Hummus, wandering around the dangerous spin room on his own.

How the heck did he get out here? Someone must be terrible at her job would be my guess.

Renata claimed that they got a bunch of hang-up calls and then a cat was released into the child care room but they didn’t see who did it.  In the ensuing chaos, Hummus must have climbed up over the counter and picked two locks to get out, since he doesn’t have a swipe card.

I don’t care how it happened, of course.  There is no excuse for them losing my child and I enjoyed watching as Renata was told that her services will no longer be required.

 

Gossip is Wrong!

I can barely bring myself to write this post because I have been crying all morning long!

I started the day trying on outfits for Thanksgiving.  The Sullivans have asked us over for dessert after dinner and I want to look my best.

Too much? I think I look very elegant but probably should let Röbert do most of the cooking on Turkey Day!

I was rudely interrupted by a phone call from The mother of Starling’s friend, Martha.  I can’t remember the mom’s name.  She is in one of my spin classes and is so slow and uncoordinated.   A couple of us like to get behind her and imitate her, LOL.  Anywhoo, she was uninviting Starling from the slumber party tonight!  Can you believe it?  She said Starling is a bully and Martha is afraid of her.  I told her that it was all petty gossip and she should be a better person and ignore it.  She hung up on me.  How completely rude!  I called all of my friends and told them what a bitch she is and also maybe mentioned that she has been diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder which, while not entirely true, I am sure she would be if she went to a psychologist like she needs to.

Gossip is so cruel and it hurts, actually hurts, people like my own lil’ angle, Starling.  I think I may start an anti bullying and gossip campaign or something.

Starling was upset and so we cried together for hours.  Then I went out and bought her a nice guitar because she said she might want to play it and won’t Martha and her mother be sorry when she is a famous singer songwriter and Martha is just a nothing.

Out of the the way Taylor Swift, here comes Starling!

I made peanut butter crackers for dinner tonight because I was exhausted from crying.  Can you believe I forgot that Merlin is allergic to peanuts? LOL.

A Rant…Weirdos on the Internet

Well, I had a very strange encounter on my instagram the other day.  I had posted a perfectly innocent picture of Starling playing tug of war at the beach and I had someone comment on it asking a VERY inappropriate question about how she keeps her waist so tiny.  Huh?  Her waist is tiny because she is a tiny girl.  I have NO idea who this pervert is, but I was very alarmed that he or she was snooping around my instagram.

Why is a weirdo looking at my lil’ angle?

I think that other parents should be very careful about not posting their children’s photos online willy-nilly on public sites and I often scold friends and acquaintances about it when they do it, even on Facebook.  Do you REALLY know who your Aunt Nelly’s friends are?

Of course, because I am a very important blogger, these rules can’t possibly apply to me, so how do I prevent crazies from looking at my children?  Someone needs to invent a technology so only nice people, and people who I would like to make jealous of my aspirational lifestyle, can view my photos.  Ideas anyone?