My First New Year’s Resolution

If I have to hear one more time about Augusta Wollard going to meet with the modeling agents in New York City on February 6…I will just continue to smile politely and redirect the conversation.  But honestly, Sondra Wollard is the most stuck up and boring person alive, and no one cares about what Augusta is doing for the entire year of February!

Of course Starling is constantly being stopped on the street and asked if she is a model and every single person who I have asked has agreed that Starling is by far the prettiest and smartest girl at her school.  For me, her education is just a bit more important than a career modeling and a lifetime of eating disorders because of feminism and so forth.  I don’t understand why the other moms all ask Sondra about her boring daughter’s boring meetings in New York, because they all must agree how tedious the topic is.  Not interesting, Sondra.  Please move on!

But me?  I’ll just continue being the superior person here and help some of the other, uglier little girls feel better about themselves by listening to their moms talk about the fucking travel team.

8:16:15 baby

She was beautiful and smiley even as a baby!

A Few Last Minute Ideas for New Years Eve

9:5:15 LL

It is impolite to your hostess to look less than your best!

Röbert and I have a very glamorous and fun evening ahead of us, but I know that not everyone has great friends with fabulous parties. I have some ideas for last minute plans for those of you who aren’t exactly losers, but who just haven’t a soul in the world who will invite you over on the biggest, most important night of the year. Sad.

  • Dancing Under the Stars on a Fabulous Yacht: Röbbie and I did this one year when there was a bit of a falling out with one of our dear, dear friends who was hosting that year.  Just a silly misunderstanding but we needed to think fast or our entire year would have been ruined.  We convinced our friends with the largest yacht that the husband had invited a small group of us for dancing to a swing band at the previous New Year’s party, knowing that he wouldn’t remember a thing.  We let him and his wife feel the teeniest bit guilty and wallah! They planned an entire party in less than 24 hours.  Fun!
  • Attend a Fab Fundraiser at a Luxury Resort: Pitch an absolute fit when they claim they don’t have your reservation and they will eventually let you in.  When they ask for information about our donation I just write down Karen’s info.  You can do the same.
  • Dinner at a Swanky Restaurant: You will be surprised how easy it is to get last minute reservations when your name is Kate Middleton.  Try it.  I even had an ID made up to show them that that is actually my name if they try to give me a hard time.  Note: You must pick a high class celebrity, none of this Kardashian nonsense.  That will get you nowhere.  Cindy McCain might even work in Tempe.
  • Crash a Party: If you wait until late enough, not a soul will even remember you being there.  I always bring a few bottles of champagne home with me a for a bit of an after-party with my friends.  Good bubbles are wasted on most people, so, with my refined palate, I may as well drink it.

I think some people stay in and watch ugly people on television.  If this is what you choose you must never admit to it.

Happy New Year!

Stop Telling 2016 to Fuck Off, Please

Here is the deal; you are old.

Every single day people die and every single day it seems like people are blaming poor, dumb 2016 for killing them.

2016 is not an evil person or even a sentient being.  It is not a disease or a car accident or a robot controlled by an overlord from a distant galaxy.  It is an arbitrary group of 365 days.  It has no designs or your teen idols or your favorite actors.  It is a stupid collection of days.

Back when we were all young and gorgeous (well, I was gorgeous, you have your own reality) River Phoenix died and that seemed crazy and tragic because he was also young and nearly as gorgeous as me and no one else died that year except maybe someone’s granny.  Except Audrey Hepburn died that year, and Myrna Loy.  They were both people your grandparents probably cared about.  Herman Munster died.  Bill Bixby died, maybe breaking your Mom’s or Dad’s heart if they watched “The Courtship of Eddie’s Father”.  Vincent Price died.  Federico Fellini, Frank Zappa and Spanky from the Little Rascals all died in 1993.

Most of that didn’t really matter much to you because, being young and gorgeous (or let’s face it, average looking) you had other fish to fry, and you really only cared about River Phoenix.

Now that you are older, and probably considerably less fantastic looking (we can’t all age the way I do!) people who are 10-20 years older than you are will start to die off.  These are the people you admired as a teenager and young person and they are aging, as you are, and many of them became far more involved with things like heroin and cocaine than your parents allowed you to become.  So some of them die youngish, others hang on in there, but because you are aging, so are they and people end up dying in the end.

What can you do to change this?  Nothing.  Will it be different in 2017? No.

Here’s some good news; unless you have crazy good luck and fine genes, a lot of people you loved as a teenager will outlive you!

How can Iggy Pop still be alive?  He is though, and could outlive you!  Paul McCartney hardly matters to anyone, is probably a bad person in the end, but he is still alive. You can still be Rickrolled by Rick Astley and you and Brendan Frazer could very possibly have a meaningful encounter on a plane since you are both still alive.  Bette Midler, American treasure, is still alive and will hopefully never see anyone from a distance since she is probably immortal.  Lots of people, alive!  Many people, dead!  You, old enough to have some feelings about celebrities who die.

2016, blameless.




Standing Up for Ass Shot Victims

Today is a day I am celebrating. “Celebrating?!” I hear many of you gasp.  Yes, I am celebrating the day I got shot in the ass.

One year ago today I was doing a downward dog pose on the deck behind the beautiful vacation home of my dear, dear friend when I was shot in the ass by a madman.  It was touch and go for a bit and I know people cried and were worried about me.  My loving husband rushed to be by my side and was the first face I saw when I woke up after my surgery.


I post this extremely unflattering photo of myself in the hospital proudly because I am a SURVIVOR of being shot in the ass!


But lets not dwell on what happened a year ago, let’s look forward to a day when no one anywhere gets shot in the ass.  I am working to have laws put on the books that make the penalties for shooting someone in the ass, or even having a weapon within several feet of a yoga studio, stronger.

Let’s all unite to make sure that these laws get passed everywhere.  I give you permission to call them the Lah Lee laws, so people can remember that tragic time and make sure that no one, especially a poor person who can’t afford a good plastic surgeon, has to suffer as I did.


Last Christmas…

I know that most people see me as perfect, a lovely vision of generosity and kindness.  It is mostly true, but I do have have pain and difficulty I must face.  I just face my problems with grace and stoicism.

This December I have been playing a certain song over and over again.

It just speaks to me because, despite appearances to the contrary, Christmas 2015 chez Smith was a bit of a shitshow.  There were hurt feelings and, oh well, it speaks to me.

The other thing most of you already know about me is that I feel things more strongly than most people.  So when I heard yesterday that George Michael had died, I was devestated.  Some people felt bad, but I assure you, I felt worse, partly because of that song and partly because I had always dreamed that someday I would marry George Michael.  Do you think he dreamed the same thing about Lah Lee?


Always smilin’ through my tears!

I have been inconsolable all day, and I just need to pick myself up and move forward because I have to find a dress and purse for New Years Eve.

But George, wherever you are, I would always have waked you up before I Go-Goed.

Shopping for the Angles

I woke up with a start this morning.  I have been working so hard to make sure that people with Go Fund Me crybaby pleas are getting what they want this year that I haven’t bought a single thing for my own lil’ babbies.  I certainly hope that Röbby has been shopping for me!!!!

My children had the usual selfish christmas lists.  “Dear Santa, I want clarinet lessons, a few Criterion Collection DVDs, and a book about Ancient Rome?”  “Dear Santa, This year can you bring me some Atlanta Hip Hop music ?” “Mglmpfhg mmmphitteseesd”

This year I got them the stuff that I knew they really wanted, which was coincidentally exactly what was left at ToysRus this afternoon at 4PM.


What lil’ guy doesn’t want a machine gun?

Well, Merlin keeps saying he is against weapons and violence, but this is not an actual machine gun.  He will love it!

Starling is such a great lil’ mommy someday, even though she is going through a bit of a phase right now.  I found some babbies that she will LOVE!



Who knows what Hummus wants.  He is darling and so, so smart, but doesn’t express himself well yet.


Merlin says this is too babyish but it was near the door at ToysRUs.

I think I have done a fantastic job shopping for my littles.  I just hope that they have chosen thoughtful gifts for me!

Thinking About the Less Fortunate

With Christmas and those other holidays upon us it is easy to forget about everything except our own busy preparations.  It is exciting to put up our beautiful tree or decorate our menorah, but there are families and individuals out there who need our help, and help them I will, by reminding you all to send money now!

Also, you need to do it before the end of the year if you want the tax benefits for 2016.

Here are some heart wrenching stories I have been reading about online and I am counting on you to help!

When I read about this man, L. Todd Wood’s plight it truly brought tears to my eyes.  He wrote a book called Currency  about our country’s debt and self-published it. Now L. Todd Wood is left to raise money on his own to make a movie.  I am sure the movie will be every bit as good as the novel!  He says he knows Hollywood types, so there is that.  Please help any way you can.

Another touching story is the one about a lil’ group of guys who just wanted to make some music in the early nineties and now are worthy of so much more than they are getting, namely a star for Nsync on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.  I am sure it would really stretch their current paychecks to fund this themselves so the fans must see that Hollywood stars on the sidewalk justice is done!

It’s not just stories about Hollywood that tugged at my heartstrings this year.  How about this sweet couple who somehow managed to clog the toilet at their wedding venue to the tune of $800.  Boy howdy!  I am sure it isn’t easy to ask for help for their lil’ problem, but ask they did, and I think it behooves us to pay for that plunger!

There is also a coffee shop out there somewhere who through bad planning and poor financial management has gotten themselves into a bit of a pickle with their landlord.  I am sure it would be excellent stewardship of your hard earned money to send it to them.

If these weren’t all moving enough, there is also a group of young men who are seeking funding to go to India to teach underprivileged children the fine game of ultimate frisbee.  Sure, they could save a bit of dough-ray-me by sending them a couple of pie tins and some instructions printed off the internet, but no, they are selflessly travelling on what many would refer to as “a trip of a lifetime” but which they know as charitable service, and giving one on one coaching to these children, and they are allowing the internet to pay for it.  Huzzah to them!  Please give as generously as they deserve!

See, it really isn’t so hard to find worthy charitites to support!

An Annual Tradition

One of my favorite traditions is sharing my family Christmas card with my readers.  To me, the Christmas card is an important milestone in my year.  I work hard to create a memorable one which will delight everyone who receives it.

Last year I sent out a Christmas card to many people who only knew me through my blog.  It wasn’t my first tier Christmas card, which I sent to close friends and family (except Grandmama, who I was angry with at the time)  and the Swedish royal family.  For my readers I sent out the card which I use to stuff a couple of dollars in for my housekeeper and the guy at the dry cleaner.  It still was beautiful though.


We are a gorgeous family!

Because I have spent this year in quiet, private contemplation, I will not be sending a card out to my online “family”.  I still think everyone deserves a peek at what my loved ones will receive, though.


Merry Christmas everyone!  I hope you all are lucky enough to have a year one tenth as wonderful as mine.

What the Heck?

I am actually furious right now.  I ordered school pictures of all of my children to enclose in my Christmas cards this year and Starling kept forgetting to bring hers home.  I finally marched into her school yesterday afternoon to pick them up.  It was quite a scene trying to get the school to unlock her locker and it wasn’t until I found it myself and began jimmying it open with a jacknife I had confiscated from Merlin before school that someone managed to find a custodian with some sort of universal key.  The photos were in there, so problem solved!

When I got home I discovered that they had somehow distributed the wrong photo to us.


LOL!  Who is this kid?  Her poor mother!

I brought the photos back to the school and demanded a refund but the office ladies seemd confused.  I guess I will have to take Starling over to the mall this weekend to get her photos retaken.  A mother’s work is never done!


Heart and Soul Warming Soup

There is a bit of a nip in the air today and I think this weather calls for a bowl of delicious, hearty soup.

I actually found this recipe in a book on Merlin’s shelves when I was sorting through them to throw them all away.  It was a strange recipe, requiring one to ask the neighbors for all sorts of ingredients.  Well, I don’t speak to most of my neighbors so I adjusted the recipe accordingly.

First of all you need a nice big enameled cast iron pot.  Don’t skimp on this step!


I find that the most expensive cast iron pot is always the best choice.

Put the pot on the stove filled with 2 quarts of water and bring it to a rolling boil.


Like so.

You need a clean white stone for the next step.  I suppose you could use any clean white stone, but I use one I found on the beach near Martha Stewart’s house.  I really think it is worth going to that beach in Connecticut to get your own stone because the quality is so much better than other white stones.


Maybe Santa will pack a Martha Stewart beach stone in his pack for you if you don’t already have one handy.

Bring the water back to a boil and let it cook for 45 minues to impart the delicious mineral flavors.  Add salt and pepper to taste.  I use about 1 1/2 cups of salt and a dash of pepper.


Yum!  My house is starting to smell really great right about now!

In the original recipe they threw a bunch of random vegetables in the water willy nilly, but I like the clean taste of spinach.  Occasionally I add a lentil or two for some chewiness, but I didn’t today.


Let it cook for awhile.  Sometimes I cook it so long the spinach just melts away!

When your kids come into the kitchen looking for dinner, you know it is done.  Remove from the heat and serve.


I usually add sriracha but I ran out so I used some thai curry paste.  I like a fair amount of heat, but feel free to add more if you like yours spicy!